An Evening In The Sunflowers
by XxChronOblivionxX
Summary: In the wake of his wife's death, Naoyuki Okazaki faces the most difficult period of his life. Pain and grief consume his days, and there doesn't seem to be any way out. Long before the fateful meeting at the bottom of a hill, a man crushed by grief sojourns to a field of sunflowers. One-Shot. Slight Spoilers for Episode 18 of After Story.


Journal Entry: April 17th, 1993

Four days ago, my life ended. Atsuko is dead. Hit by a car. One of those tragic little stories you see in newspapers but never really pay attention to. I don't think I'll be able to go on without her. I never expected to have to do so. We… we were supposed to be together. Atsuko and Naoyuki, facing life united until they both die of old age. Is there a God up there watching this unfold? Is he mocking me? Is this town mocking me? It was here that I met the person who made me happier than I've ever been before in my life, and it was here that that person was snatched away in an instant and forced into eternal death before her time. Dangled a good thing in front of my face, and ripped it away, leaving a hole in my heart that will never truly fade.

My mother took Tomoya to live with her for a while in her country home. She told me to take as much time as I needed. I wasn't really in the right mentality to be gracious. I wasn't in the mentality to feel or do much of anything. It wasn't until the third day, when I woke from a dreamless sleep to an empty bed, that the tears and the pain and the grief tore through my flimsy barrier of apathy. The reality had finally set in. Atsuko was gone. Gone forever.

I miss her. I miss her more than I can even endure, and I can never get her back. Nothing I do will change what has already happend, will ever save her from her unjust fate, and I hate it. I feel so useless. I swore to love and protect her forever, and I failed. I failed her and she paid the ultimate price.

I am alone. Nothing is left for me.

* * *

Journal Entry: April 25th, 1993

I have never felt so lost before. The days are hard, and they're getting worse. I find myself not wanting to continue living. The grief of my wife's death will never fully go away, and I am never going to find someone like her again. More than once in the past week has my mind lingered a bit too long on, as horrible as might sound, the thought of ending my life here and now. Now, there's nothing I'd like to do more than put a bullet in my mouth and be done with it, but there's one thing holding me back. It's my son, Tomoya. He's only six, and now he has to grow up without a mother. Can I let him grow up without a father too? I don't think I can bear much more of this, but my decisions affect him too.

Tomorrow is the day that I visit my mother and get Tomoya to bring him home. Maybe seeing him will help me make a choice. I can't make any decision that will affect his entire life without him being there. I should probably thank my mother for letting him stay there for so long. She didn't approve of me getting married to Atsuko so young. I wouldn't have either, honestly. High school is where rash decisions are made, after all. But I'm getting off topic, as I have been trying to do for a while now. I can't run away forever.

* * *

Journal Entry: April 26th, 1993

I'm on the train ride back with Tomoya. He is talking excitedly about the past week. I do my best to smile back at him. It is finished. I've made my choice.

After I finished the long climb to our family estate, I found my mother standing outside the door waiting for me. She told me that Tomoya was off running around in the massive sunflower field, happy as can be with not a care in the world. At that moment, I realized just how young he still was. He probably won't even remember this. His mother will forever be this figure in his mind that he knows was once there, but can't remember anything about. I can barely remember when I was that care free.

I walked down the hill in order to search for him in the massive field. He wasn't too hard to spot, jumping up and down in order to get his head above the tall sunflowers. I smiled at this, and called out his name. I saw him turn his head and beam at me. Again I was struck by his youthful optimism. He dashed over to me and I knelt down to embrace him. I asked him if he had fun here, to which he replied with an energetic nod. I told him that it's time to go home. He seemed a bit put out by this, but I could tell he partly wanted to go back to what is familiar. We walked up the trail together so he could thank his Grandma Shino properly, while he was running ahead of me, ignoring my requests for him to wait. When I did reach the top, I saw that my mother had picked him up to give him a big hug. I saw a lot of sadness in her eyes. Her grandson is now motherless.

Swallowing my returning feelings of grief, I bowed and thanked her for caring for Tomoya. She, of course, insisted it was no trouble and set Tomoya back on the ground. She asked me what I was going to do now. This wiped the smile off my face completely. I said that I didn't know. She seemed to accept this, while Tomoya was a bit unnerved by the sudden shift in mood. I said to him that it's time to leave now.

I held out my hand beside me, which Tomoya took, and he began talking about what he did during his stay here on our walk back to the train station. Tomoya continued to relay his series of stories, but I cannot recall what he said, or what I said back to him. My mind was elsewhere at the time. Simply holding his small hand set something into motion in my head, shifting closer and closer to a revelation. Looking back, it was really quite obvious. I came upon the deciding factor of what I have been trying for so long to figure out.

I love Tomoya. He is my son, and I won't abandon him. A single parent family will be rough on both of us, but we can do it together. Him and me. I know I'm not that strong, but I'm not so far lost that I can't recognize my own feelings for my child.

Atsuko's death still weighs heavily upon me, but I guess it's something I just have to live with. She would be so very disappointed in me if I just left our Tomoya all alone. That's what she'd want, and that is what I'll do. Heh, after all, if I don't do the right thing, then I won't be able to follow her up there. Can't have that. Looking at his smiling face sitting across from me, I smile back, this one being the first genuine one of the evening.

Goodbye, Atsuko. I will miss you.

**A/N: Ever since watching After Story, I've always kind of thought that Naoyuki is a bit of an unsung hero of Clannad. We know very little of Tomoya's life before Episode 1 beyond his friendship with Kotomi and that his mother died in a car accident. We know even less of Naoyuki's. The similarity of their situations is significant. The biggest differences are that Naoyuki never abandoned Tomoya, and he was not given a reset.**

**Hope you all like it. If you have the time, please drop a quick review for me. It's always nice to know people read my stuff.**


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